At this point in my existence, I’ll be lucky if I pass grad school. However, in the spirit of being nauseatingly optimistic and positive and all that crap, let’s assume that I graduate. Upon hypothetical graduation, let’s play a round of “What’s My Job?”. Weirdly enough, real life doesn’t work like the board game Life where you like…spin a wheel and the cards are like “ATHLETE” and then like “$100,000 a year”. Its probably a good thing, cause those cards can cut you some pretty raw deals, unless you get to trade with someone and really screw up their life…ANYWAYS. In our hypothetical game of what’s my job, here are my 10 most awesome jobs I might want to do.
1. Lead Singer
I want to be the super amazing, charismatic and quirky lead singer of an awesome band. Problem #1: I can’t sing. Problem #2: Questionable musical ability. No matter, this is an imaginary list. SO I would always be taking pictures on tour and making videos backstage, which would obviously work their way into our videos and showcase how hilarious and strange and wonderful we are as an artistic collective and people would be like “Damn, they’re so cool”, and we’d be all self-deprecating and hilarious about it.
This is actually a legitimate desire for me, barring the fact that I have no creative ability whatsoever. NOT THE POINT. I want to live in a cool (small) apartment and wear a lot of sweaters and wear pencils in my hair and use a type writer and sometimes go to cafes and bars and hold court there with the regulars and run my stories by them. I will also travel a lot, to Paris and London and LA and New York and Memphis for inspiration. I can be eccentric all I want, but people will still read my stuff and I will work when I want and how I want and no one can complain about how many golden oreos I eat in a day.
3. Record Store Owner
First of all, shut up about how CDs are going extinct and vinyl is only for purists and hipsters. Just don’t say it. I want to own a record store (like in High Fidelity, but significantly less perpetually grumpy) and play awesome music and talk to people about music all day and shoot staples at kids who try to steal from me (if you haven’t seen Pretty in Pink, its not my fault. Catch up). Its like a combination of everything I love in life. Minus the problem of “I have no clue how to run a business”
4. Hogwarts Professor
IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT HOW AMAZING LIFE WOULD BE IF YOU GOT TO SWOOP AROUND A CASTLE ALL DAY IN ROBES AND CAST SPELLS AND BE BRITISH AND MAKE YOUR STUDENTS DO STRANGE (BUT SUBTLE INGENIOUS) ASSIGNMENTS. JUST THINK ABOUT IT.
ps. I’m also pretty sure I don’t need a Ph.D for this. Though I would have to pass the OWLs…and the NEWTS….
5. Springsteen Scholar
This is a thing. I saw a book in Chapters once called “Reading the Boss: Interdisciplinary Approaches to the Work of Bruce Springsteen” so I know it exists. I combine my obvious booknerddom/academicness with my love of Springsteen, and BAM. Career. And sweaters with leather elbow pads. And blazers. AND RECORDS FOR RESEARCH.
6. Ryan Gosling’s Lover
Okay, this isn’t really a career, but think about how amazing it would be if I was like…a writer living in New York and then Ryan and I met and then we fell in love. It would take a LOT of work to fend off all the rest of y’all, so I think that counts as a career. I don’t mind a little work to keep Ryan in my life okay? We’re obviously soul mates.
7. Cupcake Expert
Alternatively, I could dedicate my life to honing my cupcaking skills and eventually own some sort of bakery and make really awesome, enviable cupcakes which are not only delicious, but magical. THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES. There could be normal cupcakes, but there could also be assemblages of cupcakes which could be fashioned into album covers, or haunted houses or ducks in ponds…but I digress.
8. Hat Model
I need to indulge, for a moment, my love of Hats. And things one wears on the head, like bows. And flowers. Is it possible to take up hat modelling for a living? I get to keep my clothes on, AND I get to prance…nay, STRUT, around in magical millinery concoctions all day. Pretty sure I can deal with that, and I’m also pretty sure I could “borrow” some of those hats if I wore big enough sweaters….
9. Actual Duchess
For a brief, shining moment, I was the Duchess of the Residence Desk with a penchant for sheep philanthropy…but WHAT IF I was a real duchess with a sheep pasture?! I could name the sheep, and spend my days in delightful riding boots and blazers and wander amongst the sheep, naming them things like “Jessica” and “Reginald” and sometimes I would perform charity work or report to the Palace, or the Court or whatever (but I don’t think that is an institution these days). I’m pretty sure I could charm the world, right? RIGHT?!
10. Performance Artist
By this, I don’t really mean doing anything like…legitimately artistic. This is probably offensive to people who are ACTUALLY performing artists. But mostly, I want to be able to engage in my eccentric fantasies about dancing in the streets etc and calling it art. If its art, people will have to let do it and NOT incarcerate me, right?