|Let’s all pretend Ontario is California.|
Sometimes I think my deranged mind is intended for a higher purpose. In 2012, I realized that perhaps that higher purpose is to develop the sort of unrealistic nonsense crap that is now called “hit television.” I can see it now. This is totally how I make my millions. Or how I get institutionalized. It’s kind of a toss-up at this point. Work with me here.
NBC, I think you could use my help. Call me.
1. Ikea Monkey gets his own talk show, “Mid-Afternoon Idle Chatter with Darwin”.
Think about the amazing and magical interactions that could occur on this show. I think his first guest would be Jennifer Lawrence, because she would totally play along with the fact that the host of the show is a monkey who cannot actually speak. The musical guest would have to be either The Gorillaz or the surviving members of The Monkees.
2. Some sort of witty documentary style television show about my life in retail.
Yes, this sounds self-indulgent because I’m in it…but I can promise that it would be witty and charming and awkward and delightful and only last about 2 seasons because I don’t want to jump the shark. I mean, I might one day want to literally jump over a shark because my life has reached that Fonzie-ish point, but metaphorically speaking its something I’d like to avoid. The show would be called Tools R Us or something.
NO, IT WILL BE CALLED BIRD STUCK IN A PARTITION. IT WILL BE A NON SEQUITOR TO END ALL NON SEQUITORS.
3. A reality show featuring squirrel gymnasts and their helicopter squirrel parents, ala Toddlers & Tiaras and Dance Moms.
It shall be called Squirreling Perfection. Or something. I didn’t really think this one through.
4. A show about polygamist lions.
Polygamist sects of Mormonism are hot right now (Are they? I might be grossly exaggerating), and I just watched a show on National Geographic about how lions live in prides of like 20 with only one or two males. Which sounds pretty polygamist to me. So, not only will this be totally dramatic, but no one can say I’m full of it. ITS SCIENCE, YOU SKEPTICAL BASTARDS.
5. A historical drama starring peasants. And serfs. It will be called…Ye Olde Harlotry.
It will be super depressing and super filthy because it will be fully historically accurate. People will definitely definitely need subtitles and there will be much death and drunkenness and manure. However, people will totally watch because the Middle Ages were definitely full of illicit sex and all that sort of tomofoolery that people watch vampire dramas for…right? And beheading.
6. A short mini series in which well known celebrities and people with just generally awesome voices read and/or re-enact poorly written and rather terrible-as-a-whole internet fan fiction and erotica. AND THE COSMOPOLITAN RED HOT READ.
Favourites will be Sherlock and Watson slash fiction, as well as really stupid romantic Harry Potter stories written by delusionally hormonal 13 year old girls. Laughs will be had by all.
*This has sort of already happened with celebrities reading awkward clips from that unspeakable horror known as 50 Shades of Grey. I just like my idea better because it means I don’t have to hear any more of that 50 Shades of Drivel.
7. A show on Discovery Channel in which Courtney Stodden and Jose Canseco are given access to scientific equipment and a laboratory and given license to invent.
Mostly I want to see Jose prove his “time travelling” ability, or at least watch him struggle to develop some sort of “scientific” theory explaining how he achieves this feat. Really, we’re doing them a favour as no one seems to want to give either of them the reality show they so desire. Jose just needs to tweet his manager’s email one more time. Courtney will find this by Googling herself.
8. A horror movie set inside of the Ikea flagship store in Sweden.
“Wear’s Blake? I just saw him on that Ektorp….OH MY GOD THEY KILLED BLAKE WITH A JURGENSVINDLE LAMP!!!! RUUUUUUN!”
9. A reality show in which real people live in The Jetsons universe, and struggle with the ridiculous (and incredibly prone to malfunctioning) technologies of the future.
Somehow, all of this batshit technology will be simulated or created for the purposes of this show, and we’ll all have a grand time laughing as they struggle to replace cogs in the robot maid and forget about anti-gravity buttons and shit. Also, Danny Devito will star as Mr. Spacely.
10. A show documenting the daily goings on in a bank actually run by goblins.
Gringotts is pretty interesting if you think about it. Do goblins share inside jokes? Do they have awkward lunch room conversation? Do they even eat? WHERE DO WE EVEN FIND THE GOBLINS TO STAR IN THIS?