I’m having another one of those days where I’m struggling, I feel as though I am constantly alternating between excitement about the next steps in my writing “career” and simultaneously feeling like I am back where I was before: doing too much. Let me just clarify that my definition of “too much” right now is little more than getting out of bed and writing about the writing I’m going to do. Seriously.
I went for a walk simply because I couldn’t bear to be in the house anymore but the problem with walking is that I can’t get away from what I most need to–myself. No matter how far or long I walk, I can’t escape. It’s oxymoronic because I feel like curling into myself while I’m trying to run away from myself. I want nothing more than to withdraw from the world completely. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to go back to work at the end of the month when simply going for a walk is too much of the world for me. I can’t handle the idea of being surrounded by people and phone calls and everything that involves life as we know it. I want to get better and sometimes I think I am, and then other times I decide that maybe the best course of action is to starve myself into oblivion and silently rage at everyone. I’m addicted to hurting myself, I’m pretty convinced of that. I spend all this time trying to hurt myself and then I panic that maybe I have some sort of un-diagnosed terminal illness. I go through phases of productivity and then the passion just burns up and I go back to thinking about dying.
I’ve been obsessing about minimalism, thinking that simplifying everything around me will help me focus on the book and launching my own website and getting business cards. Minimalism alone isn’t going to save me and I know that but it’s my way of distracting myself from the thought that maybe I’m beyond saving. Like all of the people who have been so patient and so supportive are wasting their time because really I’m just going to get fired from work anyway and fall even deeper away from the world and that’ll just be it.
Do you think the Pixies had the answer when they asked “Where is My Mind”?